Denmark’s Dark Secret: How 6 Million People Fooled Us All

What I discovered after four years in Denmark : an investigation into the greatest linguistic deception of our time.

I have been putting off writing those pages for too long, the Truth has to come out.

After years in close proximity with the danish people I learned a lot of valuable lessons covering a wide variety of subjects.

Here are some key points that could help you with your relationship with the people from the north (or the south if you are Scandinavian).

• Do not say hello to a Dane you don’t know personally, they will hate you for it

• Do not say hello to your neighbors, they may not answer … even if you know them

• Do not ask if they speak English before talking to them, to a majority of Danes, the idea that they wouldn’t is absurd (and the minority won’t understand you).

• Do not, under any circumstances, hold the door to the person behind you in a crowded place, you WILL be stuck, looking at people passing by for a long time

But those lessons are nothing…

You need to know the dark truth about the danish people.

A fact I learned quite early living in Denmark …

For the most astonishing feature of the country is not the uncanny flatness of the land, it is not the great infrastructures, nor the weird tradition of deploying the national flag for every birthday … No

I discovered a troubling fact, woven in the fabric of the danish society and in this article I will expose this sham.

As a foreigner, you may be tempted to spend your energy learning the danish language.

I did, before moving to CPH, I clocked just north of 250 days streak on Duolingo and I learned so much !

Maybe you are trying right now to work around the structural inconsistencies, the abominable pronunciation and the beautiful yet useless letters added to a perfectly good alphabet.

If you are, you know the truth. Listen to your heart … it knows :

The Danish language does not exist … It is a lie, a fable.

A practical joke, that danish people play on tourists and immigrants.

The goal of this cabal ? As far as I know it is still a mystery.

If at this point you wonder how 6 million people successfully dupe the rest of the world, know that I have limited answers.

The way I see it, whenever a foreigner is around, they speak “Danish” and once at home they go back to speaking a real language … probably close to Norwegian.

It’s important to note that the written Danish language is very much real, it’s when they pretend to speak it that the deception begins.

You will meet non-Danish people who pretend they understand Danish.

Do not believe them.

There are traitors out there.

People who claim to speak the language and say they understand what hygge means.

Don’t believe them. They are part of the conspiracy.

It’s a fact that a conspiracy of this magnitude is far more sophisticated (and demands the cooperation of far more people) than mainstream conspiracies like the moon landing or the spherical nature of the Earth.

And although my discoveries are supported by far less evidence than those widely accepted facts, I ask you to believe…

When you are walking in the streets of Copenhagen, and you hear around you the beautiful language full of soft Ds, stød, uvular R and voiceless plosives, sounding like a rotten potato in the throat of a weary donkey ; Know that they don’t understand each other either.

They are basically saying blah blah blah to each other, moving their heads and gesturing, acting as if they could be understood by another sentient being.

But you know now that it is not in fact the case … the danish language simply doesn’t exist.

If you think that I am building a fake conspiracy to justify how and why I do not speak the language after 4 years you are misguided !

And yet, after all their generosity and the remarkable quality of life they’ve provided to me and my family… I choose to forgive my Danish friends.

Farvel !